Category: Uncategorized

Tuesday

“Ti rendi difficile la vita”

My perceptive friend said this years ago and it’s really stuck with me. In a moment of angst as I sobbed to her about a recent breakup she sighed,”You make life so difficult, my dear”.  This comment, coming at a moment of vulnerability, was hard to hear when I would have preferred warm, comforting words that pushed the responsibility of my pain on anyone but myself.

But over the years, with the distance needed to process and observe, I’ve noticed the truth in this statement.

It always comes back to me in moments when life does feel extremely difficult – and I reflect on the possibility that I’ve somehow, for some reason, caused it to be this way. And often, I have.

I don’t know why I do this, why I choose to challenge myself, overwhelm myself, take on more than I can handle, try to change things I have no control over. 

But I do know that just in recent weeks and days, I’m starting to accept life as-is instead of fighting with it – trying control it and make it what I think it SHOULD be in the moment.

Because sometimes, life just IS. And I don’t need to change it, make it my version of “better”.

Keeping a weekly notebook of work/home/life tasks as well as my little bullet journal of goals has helped me realize 1) I already accomplish an inhuman amount every day 2) I always seem to add about 1-2 too many tasks to complete each day and 3) when I make lists and checkboxes, it adds an internal pressure to complete things that is a construct I don’t necessarily need to listen too. I’m allowed to cut myself a break.

Now, I’m playing hooky from work to do a kickboxing class, having worked until midnight last night to give myself this break.

Grateful for the physical health and time flexibility to do this.

 

Monday

Putting acceptance and meditative breathing into practice today. High stress at work, and not enough time to do it all.

How in the hell did I ever fit drinking into this mix?!

Grateful for a steady job. Grateful to be working with someone I enjoy spending time with, an old friend N. Grateful to be headed home, less invested than I would be were I full-time staff… it’s a night where I’d be glued to my desk before but now? Family first, as much as possible. 

If I can fit in some more hours tonight, after kickboxing and the rest of the evenings plans, then great. If not, the world will continue to rotate around the sun.

 

Sober Sunday

It’s interesting, this evolution into sobriety. It used to be that I dreaded the reentry into the work week because it meant an end to the heavy partying and the start of some semblance of responsibility, always kicking off with a killer hangover on Monday mornings because Sunday evening was never quite as sober as I intended it to be.

Now, I still head into the weekend with the excitement of letting go a bit (both C and I enjoyed a puff or two this weekend when kids were in bed), but the impending work week doesn’t stress me out as much as it used to. In fact, the idea that I might need to be 100% sober on Sunday night actually comes as a relief. 

I’m LOOKING FORWARD to being sober.

That’s huge.

Why am I looking forward to it? For the opportunity to get my head cleared, organized and prepared for the week ahead. For the mental space to meditate properly. For time with C that isn’t colored by a substance. For a clearer morning on Monday.

Tonight, we are going to have our first Family Meeting – C’s idea, proposed at the follow-up conversation after our last blow-up, when I complained that there really was no time in our lives where we could have an adult conversation, given that the evenings were consumed by alcohol. So now, we have one night a week where we can meet to discuss all the things going on in our lives, and maybe even keep the conversation productive.

I’m grateful that this was a positive outcome from that regrettable fight, and I’m looking forward to spending sober time together. Well, somewhat sober. I noticed a G&T in his hands as I went upstairs to write this, a drink that is usually mixed about 3/4’s gin and 1/4 tonic… 

 

 

Saturday

I sat in front of the computer last night before bed, trying to think of something to post but nothing coherent to say… thanks 420 Friday.

Today, with brain going in too many directions – kids, yard work, freelance, yoga, evening plans, I’m not much better.

I’ll just leave with this thought from my recent meditations:

What you resist in others is an indication of what you resist in yourself. 

Yet another reason to work on acceptance, right?

Today, I’m grateful for C taking boys to gymnastics so I could attend yoga, for the yummy dinner smells coming up from the kitchen, for a growing friendship with a neighbor and her kids who we spent time with this afternoon, for getting a large part of my weekend freelance work done during boys nap (and I’m grateful they went down easily and stayed asleep for 2 hrs), that it’s Saturday night – looking forward to spending it relaxing with C – and I’m grateful we’re in a place where I can say that!

 

Thursday

Still percolating along with the recent self-work as well as making headway with helping little W (second classroom observation today, plus visit to pediatrician, message left with neuro/behavioral ped for a new patient eval etc) but I’m gonna dial it in today and just share a couple articles that have passed through the brain pan in the last week or so:

A recent and extensive study on health and alcohol consumption that has countries around the world changing their guidelines.

How the alcohol industry is brainwashing us through research

And lastly:

How to Know if You’ve Married the Wrong Person

Feeling grateful that today’s classroom visit went well, and provided a better look into what is going on with W. Grateful to get a meditation in before both boys were up this morning – it really helped. Grateful that work has been super slow today, so I’ve been able to spend time following up on doctor and insurance research etc, and grateful that the storm has passed for big C and I, now back to the usual stasis of not talking about the emotional stuff between us, just the household logistics – but at least we’re doing it without the rough edges. The “I love yous” and nightly hugs have not returned yet, but maybe tonight.

Wednesday

I always find it interesting when the Universe serves up just what you need in the moment. Today and recently, the lesson is about pain and acceptance. And everywhere I look this morning, the lesson is presenting itself.

A friend of mine lost an early-term pregnancy this week and is blaming herself. I reached out to let her know I understand the need to find someone or something to blame when the pain is so great, but it might be better for her own health to set aside that need and instead honor her grief by accepting it.

As I thought about my words on this morning’s commute, I found myself in tears for her loss, but then slowly realized I was also crying for my own personal pain and the struggle I’m having to accept it – looking for someone to blame for W’s issues, for C’s struggle with alcohol, for my own impatience and unhappiness.

A bit of a lightbulb when off when I made the connection:

Like alcohol, blame is just another form of avoidance we use when we don’t want to feel pain.

Of course then this video pops up in my Facebook feed:

 

I can’t say I’m a big Russell Brand fan, mainly because I find his personality a bit obnoxious, but the content of this video applies precisely to today’s mindspace.

Today’s inspirational email quote, but of course:

“The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the core of strength within you that survives all hurt.”

― Max Lerner

Thanks, Universe. I’m listening.

Tuesday

Another full day, not over yet. So much going on in our life right now– W’s behavioral issues at school and neediness at home, the install of a new HVAC system started today, ongoing outdoor projects, potential work travel coming up, and all of it requiring C and I to work together when I can barely bring myself to look at him.

So far today, we’ve done the minimum communication necessary via text but now we’re both home for the evening and I’ve escaped upstairs to finish up some outstanding work emails. Avoidance, at least until boys are in bed, seems to be the best policy. Then, of course, he’ll probably be too buzzed to talk anyway.

This morning’s meditation was about Acceptance, intentionally. And it asked the question again, “What are you resisting in your life right now?”

What AM I resisting?

It feels like I’m resisting all of it. I don’t want to accept that W may have a social/emotional/behavioral issue or delay. I don’t want to accept that I married a man who can behave the way C does, who may have a problem with alcohol. I’m resisting examining my own part in all this, it feels so overwhelming. I struggle with accepting additional responsibility at work because of the issues at home, major mom-guilt complex. And I’m resisting my newly gained and hard-won healthy life choices.

I actually had the thought last night after boys went to bed, with C out at a bar with a friend: If I have a drink now, no one would know. Life has gone to such shit recently, what could one drink hurt. What are you really trying to prove?

In my mind, I tapered it back to smoking pot, then decided to stay entirely sober instead. And I also tapered my internal drama back, taking myself off the ledge by finding the Good, drinking a cup of tea, losing myself in an entertaining book and meditating at the end of the night.

Today, I’m glad I did, of course. I always am.

Where is the Good?

I’m grateful to have two healthy, intelligent, active, smart, fun, creative boys. I’m grateful for all the good that C brings into our life – his positive parenting, his involvement with the boys, that he cooks dinner and does laundry and takes care of the dogs. I’m grateful to have an ongoing “perma-lance” job that I enjoy, and for the ability to finally do these household projects that we’ve saved for over the years. I’m grateful for the short workout today, and that the tulips are blooming out front in spite of spring snows and an over-population of neighborhood rabbits. I’m grateful for the excellent book I’m reading for book club, recommended by a close friend with whom I’m also grateful to connect so well. I’m grateful for the chance to visit W & C’s classroom today to observe everything in person. And I’m grateful for the slow learning process that these life struggles inspire, for the ability to exercise and find time to meditate, and for a partner who makes room for all of that.

 

Reading/listening for later:

https://onbeing.org

Have a Restful Weekend.

songs for peace and protest.

Monday

Well, not only did I lose it with W yesterday, I lost it with C too.

Banner day at our house.

So much to untangle about it all, I’m not even sure where to start or if I’d know how to explain it objectively. All I know is that alcohol was not a driver this time, at least for me. In the past, our blow-ups have had that layer of disconnect to them… happening after we’re both a few drinks in (and unlike this time, after kids go to bed). The next day, muddling through a hangover AND the shitty complex feelings post-fight, with only fuzzy memories to go on, made for a difficult situation to navigate and learn from. Usually, the processing was minimal at best.

This time, I’m still struggling to process, finding it easy to slip back into my mental groove of playing the tiny violin instead of taking a hard look at my part in things. But at least I’m aware that I’m doing that. It’s a start.

Ugly, harsh things were said. On my part, things that I really do think and feel, but did not express well. On his part, I think/hope, that he only said out of anger.

He was 1-2 stiff G&Ts into the evening, and it happened during the toughest time of day for our family – dinner.

Without getting into the details, I will say that we both acted shamefully in front of the kids. It was the first time I felt physically threatened by him (in all fairness, he did not hit me – instead I reacted to his aggressive behavior by punching him in the chest).  And it was also the first time I called him a Drunk.

There are moments in this marriage where I wonder if we are better off seperating but then I think how much harder it would be to co-parent as a divorced couple, and how much it would hurt the boys long-term, and I gather hope that we will find our way through this.

I need to decide what my limits are, for me and the boys.

I have said I will leave him for two reasons: physical/emotional abuse or alcoholism. In the past, those felt like such black and white issues. Surely it would be obvious when he crossed the line, right?

Maybe this is just the tiny violin playing, but it feels so gray right now.

 

 

Sunday

Turns out two kids birthday parties in one weekend is too much for me. The boys and I attended a neighbor friend’s party today at the local Nature Center, one of our favorite places. And the party was fun! Boys were (mostly) well-behaved, considering yet again the focus was Sugar Sugar Sugar from the moment we arrived until the meltdown exit.

And then mommy had a meltdown as we pulled into the driveway and the boys wouldn’t stop rolling their windows up and down, up and down in the rain. 

Somehow, I get overwhelmed after too much time spent with them when they don’t listen. I have patience the first, fifth, fiftieth, time but somewhere in the hundreds I just lose my shit. And I lost it. Little W had made a magic fairy wand at the party, and was angry that I wouldn’t let him open the bubble blowing favor right that instant, so he threatened to break the wand. Trying to grab it away from him, impatiently struggling with him in an attempt to rescue the wand, we broke it between us. He started screaming and I bopped him over the head with the broken wand in the heat of my anger. 

I lost my temper just as badly as a 4-year-old. 

One of those moments where, had the neighbors been watching, I’m sure we’d be getting a call from CPS. Time for a time-out, mommy. I hustled him inside, him screaming, me yelling at Little C for another issue – to find Big C folding laundry in a zen-like place of happiness, post-morning-mountain-bike-ride. 

Thankfully, he took over from there as I was maxed out – and it was obvious.

I’m so upset with myself. If I could have only felt the heat rising and walked away, gone and found C and had him help me. I need to recognize when that moment is coming and head it off at the pass. Not get to that point of snapping.

I’m going to give some thought to this this week, and in the meantime I’m going to try to forgive myself and move on.

Last night, after my night off from adulting, I skipped meditating before bed. I walked right past my meditation station and up to bed, feeling a bit like I was cheating. Tonight, I’m back for sure. Exercise, super important. Sleep? 100% important. Head space? Just as important as both, if not more so. 

Now, I just need to find the ideal combo of the three – hasn’t been attainable yet.

Saving for later:

An article on Listening

An article on Big Feelings

Saturday

I don’t want to Adult tonight.

Just plain don’t.

I have freelance, the challenge workout, and a number of chores that could/should be done tonight, but NO. I want to go downstairs, smoke pot, and bum out on the couch with C.

We had a full day with the boys, one of whom didn’t nap (hence the leftover freelance) and then straight into a 4-hour double-header kids birthday party at a friend’s house, filled with 3-6yos and lots and lots of sugar.

As soon as we got in the door, we were offered a drink “Wine? beer? sangria – white or red? gin & vermouth?” and grateful parents were enjoying the offer in the sunlit downstairs and outdoor deck while the kids ran around like banshees. I will admit, the chilled chardonnay did look tempting. But I held out until the N/A drinks finally appeared.

No judgment at all – in the past, I would have welcomed this chance to hang out and drink with friends, taking the crazy of the kids down a notch with a few glasses of wine. In fact, I could just picture it – catching a buzz in the sunlight, feeling warm inside & out, making stupid, awkward comments (for some reason, alcohol never improved my social skills) and eventually, needing to find the boys’ discarded sneakers and strewn-about party favors, while corralling two very tired, hungry, sugar-high kids out the door and into the car – a feat that is hard enough sober, let alone with a buzz on. 

The sunlit warm glowy buzz sounds nice. But the “get over here NOW” chasing boys around the downstairs, sticky, headachy, tired buzz absolutely does NOT.

Anyway, enough adulting. I don’t give up on my to-do list items often, but tonight, I’m cutting myself a major break.

I’m grateful for the gorgeous sunny 80-degree day we had, for the yoga alignment class this morning that hit the spot, and for some wonderful moments with the boys in spite of their usual ups-and-downs. I feel like I handled today well.