Day 169

Saturday

We packed today completely full, running from the moment we woke up until now… and I’m ready to go melt into the couch.

But before I sign off, more food for thought on the Acceptance angle – a quote from an article I surfed through to when searching yesterday (and a typical question I ask whenever someone tells me I need to stop striving so hard):

Isn’t accepting myself the same thing as giving up on myself?

This is probably THE biggest fear people have about self-acceptance. Especially those of us who LOVE personal development. And the short answer to that question is no. The long answer is that giving up on yourself and accepting yourself are direct opposites.

Self-acceptance is about making peace with the present moment by removing your judgments and, then, from this neutral state of mind, consciously and with intention, deciding how you will move forward. And from that place is the only way to make decisions that are in true integrity for you.

Self-acceptance, does, however, require you to give up on the notion that you can control other people’s opinions of you and embody who you are, no matter what other people think.

Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful for the soul connection I have with my friend S, and our Saturday morning chats while the boys are in gymnastics together. I’m grateful that we fit so much in today. I’m grateful that C got a break this morning and was super chill and cheerful with the boys when he returned, giving me a break at nap time and again at bath time. All in all, today was a wonderful day.

Day 167

Friday

Today’s thought worry-stone was the idea of acceptance.

On my drive into work, listening to the robotic voice reading Beyond Addiction, one idea jumped out at me. It was in a chapter on the steps to change, as researched by a couple of psychologists studying nicotine addiction. As I remember it, the idea is that a key ingredient to change is Acceptance.

Not striving for change, arguing and yelling and trying to force change, but accepting life as-is in the current moment.

I found it ran contrary to my usual MO, so it left me thinking. I’m still rubbing it around in my mind, with no concrete conclusions or learnings… just percolating.

My hope is that with all of this reading, researching, listening, absorbing, some of it will synthesize and become part of me. I’d like to think that although I’m a long way from successfully implementing any of this, one day, some of this will click and I’ll start to shift, consciously or not.

But for now, I’m headed into what I hope will be a relaxing Friday night, no deep thoughts involved.

Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful that my work schedule at the agency is slowing down and allowing me a little mental headspace for other work (and family, and personal self-work, and exercise – not in that order of course!). I’m grateful for my little goof-ball sons who are running around naked right now in the pre-bedtime crazy… now, on to bedtime routine.

Day 166

Glass, by Bob Crooks

Thursday

You know what’s one thing I really do miss about drinking? Tasting complexity.

Today at work, around 11am (because we’re in advertising, so of course), a colleague opened a home-brew for all to taste. It was a porter brewed with bourbon-soaked wood chips, and honestly I was so curious. I didn’t want a whole beer. I just wanted to taste it.

The same thing happens whenever my husband opens a fancy bottle of wine, like the excellent Pinot from our vertical, where I’ve tasted year upon year of this grape from this vineyard, and it’s almost always a supreme treat. Or when my brother brings an off-the-beaten-track bourbon to the family weekend, excited to share because he knows exactly the kind of bourbon I like, complex, smooth, a little on the sweet side. Or when I find out that my favorite bar in Asbury Park has a new cocktail with blackberry & cucumber which sounds amazing, and my summer girlfriends are going out for a night on the town and want me to join. I just want a sip. 

But right now, that would be too much.

So I rein in my salivating self, and center on all the gains I’ve made over the last few months, all of the reinforcing benefits I see daily, and how certain substitutes make me feel equally as good without all the negative side effects. Tonight, yoga!

Gratitude Postscript

I fit in my 15-minute challenge workout this morning, second morning in a row, before the boys got up… and both days, I’ve had energy through the roof. I actually thought people at work might think I was on something, so I tried to tone it down. But honestly, I’m grateful for how I feel right now. Hopeful, energetic, confident. And I’m grateful for plans coming together for a couple future events with girlfriends, as well as a music festival in Cincinnati with my brother and SIL. Wahoo!!!

Day 165

Wednesday

Another multi-tasking marathon of a day, so I’m grabbing a minute in the middle to post as I’m not sure if there will be room this evening.

C is on another work ski trip, so I’m working from home to accommodate kid pick-up and dinner (while also simultaneously calling in to two meetings and working). Thankfully, a neighbor friend is helping for a bit when the boys are around so I can honestly say I’m working and not running around after them.

While there has been plenty of mental processing going on recently, today I thought I’d capture some of the physical changes I’ve noticed since quitting.

It’s been almost 6 months, and here are some of the changes I’ve seen:

  • Lost about 10lbs over the first few months, and am keeping it off
  • More energy during the day, all day – not just in the AM
  • More focus and clarity of thought
  • Increased confidence, especially at work
  • Better quality of emotional engagement with others, better listening
  • Increased ability to be mindful and aware of my own thoughts
  • Easier to stay committed to personal goals
  • Better memory
  • Lightened mood
  • More patience

In some ways, I feel like I’m finally waking up.

Although I know this may be a pink cloud moment, I’m feeling really positive about life right now, and even though it’s far from perfect (as am I), I’m okay with the good and the bad. 

At the risk of being one of those insufferable healthy people, some links and bullets below capture what is going on in my physical world:

 

Day 164

Cenote II, by James Monnington

Tuesday

In the midst of a return to school schedule (post Daylight Savings), unpacking from our trip, reconnecting with C, organizing my work schedule between agency work and personal clients, and all the rest of Life going on right now, I’m currently feeling an undercurrent of stability. Of positivity. Of confidence and hope.

It’s not on the surface – which swirls about me with the usual dramas and stresses – it’s below that. Deep below.

I think I’m getting somewhere. 

Driving home from therapy today, the thought occurred to me that drinking was a form of unconscious self-harm. I knew that drinking was hurting me, but in a way, it was punishment for not being the person I thought I should be. And of course, the drinking only made me feel worse about that.

Now, I still beat myself up plenty, but below that, there is a thread – growing and gaining strength as the days go by – of worth, of consistent pride in my own behavior. A bank of memories that I can relax into. 

I’m learning to find my clear sky.

Gratitude Postscript

Today, I’m grateful for a helpful, encouraging therapy session. For the chance to work out tonight, and for the yummy dinner smells wafting upstairs as I write this. Headed down now…

Day 163

Build Your Own World, by Joy LaForme

Monday

I missed a couple days in there, oops! I was out of town with the twins and without C which meant very little free time. And what little there was ended up filled with family time, which took priority.

I found myself surprisingly free of alcohol-related thoughts on the trip. While the relationships in my family are close and relatively drama-free, time together always seems to spark a need for booze. And sure enough, my brother had brought a very nice bottle of whiskey for our late-night chats, forgetting that I’d quit. 

We still stayed up way too late both nights while he and his wife enjoyed it, and I enjoyed the smell without any desire to have my own. My SIL was amazed; “What willpower!” And I appreciated her comment but inside I thought, this isn’t taking much willpower at all. I know I still have my unhealthy methods of escaping (and I was definitely craving them over the weekend) but alcohol has lost it’s power, at least this weekend.

It was interesting to catch myself in the middle of these conversations thinking, “Right now, I would be stumbling a bit, forgetting the right words, losing my train of thought, or trying to interject my own story by bulldozing my way over another person, etc etc” Flashbacks of my former self. Not that I was necessarily drunk all the time, but I was not the best version of myself, for sure. And I knew it in the moment too.

This time around, these conversations were more balanced, more meaningful, more connected. I was able to filter myself, easily find the right words when needed, and listen better.

And in the end, I remember it all.

Bonus? When one of the boys woke up with a nightmare in the middle of the night I was there, without a hangover and all the angst that goes with that.

Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful for quality time with family, watching cousins play happily together and grandparents read stories to the whole crew. I’m grateful the long drive went without a hitch, both ways. And I’m grateful to be home with C giving the boys a bath and me a break.

Day 160

Hosta, by leslieavonmiller

Friday

Another overwhelming morning with the kids, work, home, all converging into one painful pressure point. Driving to work, beating myself up again, wondering why this is so hard?

I was reminded of this article, and rereading it helped:

To Die and So To Grow

After you stop drinking life doesn’t go away.

You said you feel as though you’re dying, and my dear, you are. Parts of you are dying unto themselves because that is how we go from being someone who exists to someone who lives. 

The problem isn’t that you’re dying, it’s that you think dying shouldn’t hurt so bad. But it should. Let it.

Gratitude Postscript

I know it’s cheesy and expected and I don’t care – I’m grateful it’s Friday.

 

Day 159

Thursday

I lost it with the boys again this morning. I didn’t yell, but I did raise my voice and got super frustrated with them – launching into a lecture that I’m sure sounded a lot like the Peanuts mom.

Then, per usual, I end up stewing over my failure throughout the day. Why am I still losing it? Why is this so hard, even when I’m doing everything “right” (working out, better sleep, attempting mindfulness & meditation etc etc)? I mean, I KNOW what I need to do, but in the moment I just can’t seem to rise above my emotions and do it.

A year ago, I might have REALLY lost it, and yelled or been forceful in a mean way with the boys, so maybe I’m improving, just a little? It’s so hard to tell. 

Some days I feel more encouraged than others. Today, not so much.

So I’m going to sign off with this thought: I have twin 4yo boys. That in and of itself should be an excuse for losing my shit every once in a while.

No longer an excuse to drink though!

Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful that my husband brought dinner to my desk tonight, when I got caught up in an urgent (and currently ongoing) situation at work. I’m grateful that there is yoga in my future. And I’m grateful especially today, on International Women’s Day, for all of the strong, graceful, wise, generous, intelligent, beautiful women in my life who inspire me to be better. I definitely got lucky in that department.

Day 158

Snow Day Wednesday

Well, nothing like trying to multi-task on a Snow Day. It started with rain, so school cancellations felt ridiculous. Right around when they would have been letting out, the snow started in earnest, so I guess maybe it was warranted in the end. But it left all of us working parents in a frenzy of figuring out Plan B which is always fun.

Thanks to our neighbor & friend, I was able to get work done while boys were happily playing with her downstairs. Right now, I’m juggling full-time agency work while also creating and managing a number of websites, a job I didn’t intend to get myself into but that’s life.

The only alcohol-related thoughts today have been regarding C’s drinking and how it affects our relationship. And whether he would ever quit. And how I might approach the conversation with him (or if I even should), and then I start to go down a familiar negative mental pathway, despairing about our lack of connection and time to have the more serious conversations about us, our kids, our future, when we can barely manage to find a way to talk about the upcoming weekend and who will be paying the daycare bill this time.

Sigh. 

I think this is just Life right now. And whenever I feel myself slipping down those mental roads, I need to stop and think – “What do I have the power to do to make myself happy or to change a situation?” Not “Why isn’t this or that working out the way I would like?” or “Why isn’t some other person making me happy?”

Because that’s all I can do. And that will always need to be enough.

Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful I was able to chip away at a number of things today in spite of the weather’s wrench in plans. I’m grateful the boys played happily with J, that they love her so much. I’m grateful for the great workout I got in last night leaving me sore today. And I’m grateful that it’s only 8:30pm and I’m pretty much done for the day. Headed down to spend a few minutes with C before he heads to bed. Some conversation is always better than none, right?

Day 157

Tuesday

A swirl of activity in all directions. If multi-tasking were an Olympic event, I would have taken Gold today.

Just alcohol-related thoughts though? Listening to Beyond Addiction on the way to an appointment, and as the intro explained how alcohol and other drugs affect our brains (a story I’m now becoming familiar with), one thing stood out from the rest. Alcohol affects our cerebral cortex, the part of our brain responsible for “putting the brakes on”, for curbing our lizard-brain impulses, for acting more like humans than animals. No wonder people do stupid shit while drinking.

And maybe that’s why it’s been noticeably easier for me to stick to more “adult” goals of self-improvement and self-control.

Now, if only I could better apply those cerebral cortex brakes to my tongue when it comes to kids and marriage…

Gratitude Postscript

That somehow in the midst of the crazy, it’s all getting done. And I’m grateful that I was able to fit in a quick workout before the day began.