Month: March 2018

Snow Day Wednesday 

Yesterday was my last therapy session with K, and although I know it is the right timing, part of me feels a little afloat in the unknown. Having a weekly session with someone who listened and offered feedback on this journey has been a stabilizing force that helped keep me accountable.

I’m grateful for this blog to back into for similar reasons (minus the feedback) as I worry that left to my own devices, with no accountability, it would be easy for me to slip back into drinking and other unhealthy behaviors.

But the learnings are there. I’m not even 6 months in, and I can already see so much life improvement – I don’t know that I would ever go back.

I say that, and yet, at times I feel like my mind plays tricks on me: “See, it isn’t that bad! You could totally have a drink or two now! You can’t have ever been that bad if quitting has gone this smoothly. Are you really going to be one of those strict teetotalers for the rest of your life? Is that really necessary?”

Flip flop flip flop flip flop. Amazing how our monkey brains work.

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Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful for a friend and neighbor’s support today with the boys, while they were home from school and I needed to work. I’m grateful that C put the boys down so I could workout last night. I’m grateful for a short circuit workout this morning, and for evening plans ahead to look forward to: yoga at home, then working on a commemorative painting for this same friend & sitter, who has just lost her dog.

Tuesday

Today, I’m writing for another project so my brain is elsewhere. But I’ve got quality material for the chocolate lovers out there!

In an effort to get the last of the persistent pounds off in time for summer (yeh, I’m being vain about it!), I’ve been trimming my diet back to just the healthy stuff. But that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy a good dark chocolate snack every once in awhile! 

These dark chocolate nut butter cups are night-and-day better than the Reese’s ones… holy moses, they are divine. I used 90% cacao bars, and almond butter (and skipped the chia seeds), and these turned out incredible.

You’re welcome:

Dark Chocolate Nut Butter Cup Recipe

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Gratitude Postscript

Obviously – chocolate nut butter cups. Also, I’m grateful that the agency I’m working for has reassured me they are retaining me for the foreseeable future, as well as maintaining their flexibility with my work-life balance requirements (especially given that tomorrow is likely to be yet another snow day around here). It’s really an ideal situation, and I know that’s not normal – so I’m grateful.

Monday

Still fidgeting with the idea of acceptance, both self-acceptance and general acceptance of life – the state of my marriage, the work-in-progress state of our home, the disarray of my getting-off-the-ground freelance business, the impossibility of parenting and working full-time.

Some of the self-acceptance stuff out there strikes me as hokey new-age BS. Maybe because I’m not comfortable with it, or don’t really understand it. 

The high expectations of my upbringing helped encourage a striving, always improving mentality, which at times can translate to a discomfort or dissatisfaction with the way things are. And I’ve always felt that it was that discomfort that motivated me, so therefore it was valid and should be honored.

It was, in fact, a deep discomfort that motivated the original shift in focus which made way for so much of the positive change that has happened in the last year. Without that motivation, I don’t think I would have ever made such a big change.

So where does one go with that?

On a separate train of thought, I’m beginning to understand, viscerally not just mentally, the connection between breath and state of mind. Meditation, yoga, and maybe even cardio-based exercise, also learning more about how the body reacts to stress, are helping make that connection. It may sound ridiculously simple, but I don’t think I’ve understood it at such a physical level before. 

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Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful for the beautiful sun today, for the great start the boys and I had to our day, for the yummy cookies I offloaded at work (to everyone’s excitement), and to my non-striving husband for reaching out to work through some logistical life stuff knowing that I wanted to talk it out, and in spite of his own desire to Just Be.

Sunday

I’m disappointed in myself today. In spite of an awesome morning yoga class at a new studio (I feel myself slowly turning into one of those women, always in yoga gear with hair pulled back, buying chia seeds while breezing purposefully around Target), I still lost my temper with C, finding him super annoying today. I’m sure the feeling was mutual. I didn’t yell but I did say some snarky things and I wish I’d been better than that.

And he one-upped me, holding his tongue successfully while I groused and complained. And all of this put me in a worse mood, of course.

It’s amazing how well I understand what I SHOULD do, but still cannot find a way to rise above the moment, especially when it comes to the deep grooved patterns of my marriage.

And ironically enough, the yoga class this morning was all about taking the calm we induce in yoga and carrying it throughout the day, in spite of trying situations. I did not succeed at that, at all.

Sigh.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. And tonight, I will apologize.

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Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful that there were absolutely no alcohol-related thoughts today. And in fact, I’m noticing that in reality I prefer to be sober. Where before I couldn’t wait to get to the end of the day to have my first stiff drink and catch a buzz, now I get to the end of the day and look forward to spending it sober – all the various ways that I’m now doing that. Fulfilling, happy, healthy ways to spend time. I even find my weekend smoke sessions cutting back as a result.

Saturday

We packed today completely full, running from the moment we woke up until now… and I’m ready to go melt into the couch.

But before I sign off, more food for thought on the Acceptance angle – a quote from an article I surfed through to when searching yesterday (and a typical question I ask whenever someone tells me I need to stop striving so hard):

Isn’t accepting myself the same thing as giving up on myself?

This is probably THE biggest fear people have about self-acceptance. Especially those of us who LOVE personal development. And the short answer to that question is no. The long answer is that giving up on yourself and accepting yourself are direct opposites.

Self-acceptance is about making peace with the present moment by removing your judgments and, then, from this neutral state of mind, consciously and with intention, deciding how you will move forward. And from that place is the only way to make decisions that are in true integrity for you.

Self-acceptance, does, however, require you to give up on the notion that you can control other people’s opinions of you and embody who you are, no matter what other people think.

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Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful for the soul connection I have with my friend S, and our Saturday morning chats while the boys are in gymnastics together. I’m grateful that we fit so much in today. I’m grateful that C got a break this morning and was super chill and cheerful with the boys when he returned, giving me a break at nap time and again at bath time. All in all, today was a wonderful day.

Friday

Today’s thought worry-stone was the idea of acceptance.

On my drive into work, listening to the robotic voice reading Beyond Addiction, one idea jumped out at me. It was in a chapter on the steps to change, as researched by a couple of psychologists studying nicotine addiction. As I remember it, the idea is that a key ingredient to change is Acceptance.

Not striving for change, arguing and yelling and trying to force change, but accepting life as-is in the current moment.

I found it ran contrary to my usual MO, so it left me thinking. I’m still rubbing it around in my mind, with no concrete conclusions or learnings… just percolating.

My hope is that with all of this reading, researching, listening, absorbing, some of it will synthesize and become part of me. I’d like to think that although I’m a long way from successfully implementing any of this, one day, some of this will click and I’ll start to shift, consciously or not.

But for now, I’m headed into what I hope will be a relaxing Friday night, no deep thoughts involved.

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Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful that my work schedule at the agency is slowing down and allowing me a little mental headspace for other work (and family, and personal self-work, and exercise – not in that order of course!). I’m grateful for my little goof-ball sons who are running around naked right now in the pre-bedtime crazy… now, on to bedtime routine.

Thursday

You know what’s one thing I really do miss about drinking? Tasting complexity.

Today at work, around 11am (because we’re in advertising, so of course), a colleague opened a home-brew for all to taste. It was a porter brewed with bourbon-soaked wood chips, and honestly I was so curious. I didn’t want a whole beer. I just wanted to taste it.

The same thing happens whenever my husband opens a fancy bottle of wine, like the excellent Pinot from our vertical, where I’ve tasted year upon year of this grape from this vineyard, and it’s almost always a supreme treat. Or when my brother brings an off-the-beaten-track bourbon to the family weekend, excited to share because he knows exactly the kind of bourbon I like, complex, smooth, a little on the sweet side. Or when I find out that my favorite bar in Asbury Park has a new cocktail with blackberry & cucumber which sounds amazing, and my summer girlfriends are going out for a night on the town and want me to join. I just want a sip. 

But right now, that would be too much.

So I rein in my salivating self, and center on all the gains I’ve made over the last few months, all of the reinforcing benefits I see daily, and how certain substitutes make me feel equally as good without all the negative side effects. Tonight, yoga!

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Gratitude Postscript

I fit in my 15-minute challenge workout this morning, second morning in a row, before the boys got up… and both days, I’ve had energy through the roof. I actually thought people at work might think I was on something, so I tried to tone it down. But honestly, I’m grateful for how I feel right now. Hopeful, energetic, confident. And I’m grateful for plans coming together for a couple future events with girlfriends, as well as a music festival in Cincinnati with my brother and SIL. Wahoo!!!

Wednesday

Another multi-tasking marathon of a day, so I’m grabbing a minute in the middle to post as I’m not sure if there will be room this evening.

C is on another work ski trip, so I’m working from home to accommodate kid pick-up and dinner (while also simultaneously calling in to two meetings and working). Thankfully, a neighbor friend is helping for a bit when the boys are around so I can honestly say I’m working and not running around after them.

While there has been plenty of mental processing going on recently, today I thought I’d capture some of the physical changes I’ve noticed since quitting.

It’s been almost 6 months, and here are some of the changes I’ve seen:

• Lost about 10lbs over the first few months, and am keeping it off
• More energy during the day, all day – not just in the AM
• More focus and clarity of thought
• Increased confidence, especially at work
• Better quality of emotional engagement with others, better listening
• Increased ability to be mindful and aware of my own thoughts
• Easier to stay committed to personal goals
• Better memory
• Lightened mood
• More patience

In some ways, I feel like I’m finally waking up.

Although I know this may be a pink cloud moment, I’m feeling really positive about life right now, and even though it’s far from perfect (as am I), I’m okay with the good and the bad. 

At the risk of being one of those insufferable healthy people, some links and bullets below capture what is going on in my physical world:

• 30-Day Body Weight Challenge (on Day 18, doing this with my awesome friend, S) 
• Loads of salads for lunch (It’s no chore at all especially when avocado is involved)
• Juicing it up
• Just starting shakes too – beyond the usual breakfast shake I make the boys, trying out a few protein powders
• Trying out a few sweet treats, don’t be grossed out – Chocolate Hummus is pretty damn awesome.
• Falling in love with chick peas (never thought I’d say that)
• Yoga on the reg
• Meditation, sometimes (not enough yet, but it’s helping)
• Pot making way for CBD oil
• Better sleep (tough for me to do this, but this Apple feature is helping)
• Tons of reading, Audible books & my favorite indulgence, The Crown

 

Tuesday

In the midst of a return to school schedule (post Daylight Savings), unpacking from our trip, reconnecting with C, organizing my work schedule between agency work and personal clients, and all the rest of Life going on right now, I’m currently feeling an undercurrent of stability. Of positivity. Of confidence and hope.

It’s not on the surface – which swirls about me with the usual dramas and stresses – it’s below that. Deep below.

I think I’m getting somewhere. 

Driving home from therapy today, the thought occurred to me that drinking was a form of unconscious self-harm. I knew that drinking was hurting me, but in a way, it was punishment for not being the person I thought I should be. And of course, the drinking only made me feel worse about that.

Now, I still beat myself up plenty, but below that, there is a thread – growing and gaining strength as the days go by – of worth, of consistent pride in my own behavior. A bank of memories that I can relax into. 

I’m learning to find my clear sky.

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Gratitude Postscript

Today, I’m grateful for a helpful, encouraging therapy session. For the chance to work out tonight, and for the yummy dinner smells wafting upstairs as I write this. Headed down now…

Monday

I missed a couple days in there, oops! I was out of town with the twins and without C which meant very little free time. And what little there was ended up filled with family time, which took priority.

I found myself surprisingly free of alcohol-related thoughts on the trip. While the relationships in my family are close and relatively drama-free, time together always seems to spark a need for booze. And sure enough, my brother had brought a very nice bottle of whiskey for our late-night chats, forgetting that I’d quit. 

We still stayed up way too late both nights while he and his wife enjoyed it, and I enjoyed the smell without any desire to have my own. My SIL was amazed; “What willpower!” And I appreciated her comment but inside I thought, this isn’t taking much willpower at all. I know I still have my unhealthy methods of escaping (and I was definitely craving them over the weekend) but alcohol has lost it’s power, at least this weekend.

It was interesting to catch myself in the middle of these conversations thinking, “Right now, I would be stumbling a bit, forgetting the right words, losing my train of thought, or trying to interject my own story by bulldozing my way over another person, etc etc” Flashbacks of my former self. Not that I was necessarily drunk all the time, but I was not the best version of myself, for sure. And I knew it in the moment too.

This time around, these conversations were more balanced, more meaningful, more connected. I was able to filter myself, easily find the right words when needed, and listen better.

And in the end, I remember it all.

Bonus? When one of the boys woke up with a nightmare in the middle of the night I was there, without a hangover and all the angst that goes with that.

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Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful for quality time with family, watching cousins play happily together and grandparents read stories to the whole crew. I’m grateful the long drive went without a hitch, both ways. And I’m grateful to be home with C giving the boys a bath and me a break.