Day 176

Saturday

Really struggling, and trying to figure out why. Most likely it’s that I’ve overbooked myself (as I sit here on the computer after almost a full day of weekend work for four different, non-agency clients) and am stressed out. On top of that stress is the pressure I’m putting on myself to fit in healthy stuff, like the yoga class this morning that kicked my ass, the recipes, and oh shit – right I still have to do my daily workout challenge. And of course, last but not least, my expectations that this will all help me be a more Zen mother and wife, which lately has not been happening at all.

C, in a very generous offer, took the boys to the aquarium this morning so I could fit in all the freelance and a bit of yoga – in an attempt to get it done today to leave tomorrow free for other things. The plan was that they’d be gone until about 3pm, boys would nap in the car.

At 1:30, I hear giggles and look out the window. They’re back! I was nowhere near done with my work, had yet to eat lunch, boys bedding was still in the wash, and nothing to be done about it. I admit, I was snappish with C when he was POSITIVE he told me they’d be back before 2pm and without naps. 

Of course, that conversation happened last night after he’d had more than a bit to drink, and like many conversations – he didn’t remember (or in this case, he misremembered). This may be one of my biggest pet peeves with having a partner who drinks every night. The memory loss.

Almost daily, there is some piece of information that I realize was lost in our communication from the night or nights before. I’ve learned not to have important conversations in the afternoon or evening, for this reason among many others, but the effect of the loss is still there. It’s common for me to ask, “Do you remember talking about XYZ last night?” because most of the time, he does not. So I leave notes, or I remind, or I just reiterate without reminding him that we already talked about that.

But today, I snapped. 

“I remember exactly what was said because I was SOBER! Drinking and memory do NOT go together! You said 3pm and naps in the car, I remember distinctly! ARGGGH!”

And then stormed off to deal with bedding laundry.

Now, I’ve cooled off and realize how stupid that outburst was – certainly not very helpful, and definitely not grateful for what he DID do – taking the boys out of the house to give me time to work.

I need to get better at feeding the Good and starving the Bad. 


Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful to C for the time to work. I’m grateful for a strenuous and technical yoga class at the new studio I’ve discovered near our house (and grateful for its proximity). I’m grateful that I got a lot accomplished, enough to not work tomorrow. I’m grateful for a simple evening ahead with family.

Day 175

Friday

What a day. So much work drama I feel like crying and it’s so not worth it. And I failed at home too. This morning, in spite of a short cardio workup before boys got up, I still lost it with them. 

My personal health goals are chugging along merrily: making green smoothies, working out, yoga-ing it up, etc. But hot damn, the personal work is so so so much more difficult.

So many more ingrained patterns to relearn, so many sharp points to get stuck on, and life just keeps on coming.

I feel like I need to double-down on the meditation thing. Really commit to doing it once a day, and see if that helps. Because, god help me, if not – I’m running out of options…

Or maybe I just need to have more patience with myself, as well as those around me.


Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful it’s Friday. I’m grateful that after today’s drama I still have a job. I’m grateful for the close friends and family I can go to for wisdom about raising kids. I’m grateful for C, who has offered to give me a break this weekend to work on freelance (much needed), in spite of the fact that I’m sure he could use the break too. And I’m grateful to the boys for stretching me and helping me grow.

 

Day 174

Snow Day Thursday

After a fun morning clearing snow and making (and alternately destroying) snow sculptures with the boys, I headed right in to deal with a few agency fire drills and am slowly coming down from that adrenalin infusion into a sleepy, Vitamin-D-induced afternoon vibe.

I still have plenty to do today, but I’m finding myself fresh out of motivation at the moment – so I’m here, procrastinating while a file downloads.

You know what’s one thought that occurs to me on a frequent basis now? I find myself going back to an email or a text that I sent late the prior evening, and doing a double-take. In the past (if I remembered), I would have that sinking feeling of “Shit, what did I say. Was it obvious I’d been drinking? I should re-read and do some damage control.” Now, I go down that path but immediately reverse – because, guess what Self, I was sober! No worries! I may have been a bit tired, but the likelihood of regret is slim.

Late last night, I got the text from the boy’s daycare that they were canceling today. Did it throw a wrench in my plans, without leaving me much time to find childcare or work coverage? Yes. Was I pissed? Yes. Did I shoot off a frustrated rage-filled email to anyone, or send a work email full of defensive language about how I wouldn’t be able to work today? Nope! I had the sober peace of mind to handle it like an adult.

Go Self.


Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful for time with the boys even if I lost my temper slightly when they started destroying the snow race car I made for them. I’m grateful for Little C’s unique fashion choices which have made the last couple days fun. I’m grateful for tonight’s self-care for women enterpreneurs workshop (that’s a mouthful) in Asbury Park, attending by myself and looking forward to meeting other women business owners. And of course, I’m grateful to C for giving me a night out.

Day 173

Snow Day Wednesday 

Yesterday was my last therapy session with K, and although I know it is the right timing, part of me feels a little afloat in the unknown. Having a weekly session with someone who listened and offered feedback on this journey has been a stabilizing force that helped keep me accountable.

I’m grateful for this blog to back into for similar reasons (minus the feedback) as I worry that left to my own devices, with no accountability, it would be easy for me to slip back into drinking and other unhealthy behaviors.

But the learnings are there. I’m not even 6 months in, and I can already see so much life improvement – I don’t know that I would ever go back.

I say that, and yet, at times I feel like my mind plays tricks on me: “See, it isn’t that bad! You could totally have a drink or two now! You can’t have ever been that bad if quitting has gone this smoothly. Are you really going to be one of those strict teetotalers for the rest of your life? Is that really necessary?”

Flip flop flip flop flip flop. Amazing how our monkey brains work.


Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful for a friend and neighbor’s support today with the boys, while they were home from school and I needed to work. I’m grateful that C put the boys down so I could workout last night. I’m grateful for a short circuit workout this morning, and for evening plans ahead to look forward to: yoga at home, then working on a commemorative painting for this same friend & sitter, who has just lost her dog.

Day 172

Tuesday

Today, I’m writing for another project so my brain is elsewhere. But I’ve got quality material for the chocolate lovers out there!

In an effort to get the last of the persistent pounds off in time for summer (yeh, I’m being vain about it!), I’ve been trimming my diet back to just the healthy stuff. But that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy a good dark chocolate snack every once in awhile! 

These dark chocolate nut butter cups are night-and-day better than the Reese’s ones… holy moses, they are divine. I used 90% cacao bars, and almond butter (and skipped the chia seeds), and these turned out incredible.

You’re welcome:

Dark Chocolate Nut Butter Cup Recipe


Gratitude Postscript

Obviously – chocolate nut butter cups. Also, I’m grateful that the agency I’m working for has reassured me they are retaining me for the foreseeable future, as well as maintaining their flexibility with my work-life balance requirements (especially given that tomorrow is likely to be yet another snow day around here). It’s really an ideal situation, and I know that’s not normal – so I’m grateful.

Day 171

Longboard design, by pettieprince

Monday

Still fidgeting with the idea of acceptance, both self-acceptance and general acceptance of life – the state of my marriage, the work-in-progress state of our home, the disarray of my getting-off-the-ground freelance business, the impossibility of parenting and working full-time.

Some of the self-acceptance stuff out there strikes me as hokey new-age BS. Maybe because I’m not comfortable with it, or don’t really understand it. 

The high expectations of my upbringing helped encourage a striving, always improving mentality, which at times can translate to a discomfort or dissatisfaction with the way things are. And I’ve always felt that it was that discomfort that motivated me, so therefore it was valid and should be honored.

It was, in fact, a deep discomfort that motivated the original shift in focus which made way for so much of the positive change that has happened in the last year. Without that motivation, I don’t think I would have ever made such a big change.

So where does one go with that?

On a separate train of thought, I’m beginning to understand, viscerally not just mentally, the connection between breath and state of mind. Meditation, yoga, and maybe even cardio-based exercise, also learning more about how the body reacts to stress, are helping make that connection. It may sound ridiculously simple, but I don’t think I’ve understood it at such a physical level before. 


Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful for the beautiful sun today, for the great start the boys and I had to our day, for the yummy cookies I offloaded at work (to everyone’s excitement), and to my non-striving husband for reaching out to work through some logistical life stuff knowing that I wanted to talk it out, and in spite of his own desire to Just Be.

Day 170

Sunday

I’m disappointed in myself today. In spite of an awesome morning yoga class at a new studio (I feel myself slowly turning into one of those women, always in yoga gear with hair pulled back, buying chia seeds while breezing purposefully around Target), I still lost my temper with C, finding him super annoying today. I’m sure the feeling was mutual. I didn’t yell but I did say some snarky things and I wish I’d been better than that.

And he one-upped me, holding his tongue successfully while I groused and complained. And all of this put me in a worse mood, of course.

It’s amazing how well I understand what I SHOULD do, but still cannot find a way to rise above the moment, especially when it comes to the deep grooved patterns of my marriage.

And ironically enough, the yoga class this morning was all about taking the calm we induce in yoga and carrying it throughout the day, in spite of trying situations. I did not succeed at that, at all.

Sigh.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. And tonight, I will apologize.


Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful that there were absolutely no alcohol-related thoughts today. And in fact, I’m noticing that in reality I prefer to be sober. Where before I couldn’t wait to get to the end of the day to have my first stiff drink and catch a buzz, now I get to the end of the day and look forward to spending it sober – all the various ways that I’m now doing that. Fulfilling, happy, healthy ways to spend time. I even find my weekend smoke sessions cutting back as a result.

Day 169

Saturday

We packed today completely full, running from the moment we woke up until now… and I’m ready to go melt into the couch.

But before I sign off, more food for thought on the Acceptance angle – a quote from an article I surfed through to when searching yesterday (and a typical question I ask whenever someone tells me I need to stop striving so hard):

Isn’t accepting myself the same thing as giving up on myself?

This is probably THE biggest fear people have about self-acceptance. Especially those of us who LOVE personal development. And the short answer to that question is no. The long answer is that giving up on yourself and accepting yourself are direct opposites.

Self-acceptance is about making peace with the present moment by removing your judgments and, then, from this neutral state of mind, consciously and with intention, deciding how you will move forward. And from that place is the only way to make decisions that are in true integrity for you.

Self-acceptance, does, however, require you to give up on the notion that you can control other people’s opinions of you and embody who you are, no matter what other people think.


Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful for the soul connection I have with my friend S, and our Saturday morning chats while the boys are in gymnastics together. I’m grateful that we fit so much in today. I’m grateful that C got a break this morning and was super chill and cheerful with the boys when he returned, giving me a break at nap time and again at bath time. All in all, today was a wonderful day.

Day 167

Friday

Today’s thought worry-stone was the idea of acceptance.

On my drive into work, listening to the robotic voice reading Beyond Addiction, one idea jumped out at me. It was in a chapter on the steps to change, as researched by a couple of psychologists studying nicotine addiction. As I remember it, the idea is that a key ingredient to change is Acceptance.

Not striving for change, arguing and yelling and trying to force change, but accepting life as-is in the current moment.

I found it ran contrary to my usual MO, so it left me thinking. I’m still rubbing it around in my mind, with no concrete conclusions or learnings… just percolating.

My hope is that with all of this reading, researching, listening, absorbing, some of it will synthesize and become part of me. I’d like to think that although I’m a long way from successfully implementing any of this, one day, some of this will click and I’ll start to shift, consciously or not.

But for now, I’m headed into what I hope will be a relaxing Friday night, no deep thoughts involved.


Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful that my work schedule at the agency is slowing down and allowing me a little mental headspace for other work (and family, and personal self-work, and exercise – not in that order of course!). I’m grateful for my little goof-ball sons who are running around naked right now in the pre-bedtime crazy… now, on to bedtime routine.

Day 166

Glass, by Bob Crooks

Thursday

You know what’s one thing I really do miss about drinking? Tasting complexity.

Today at work, around 11am (because we’re in advertising, so of course), a colleague opened a home-brew for all to taste. It was a porter brewed with bourbon-soaked wood chips, and honestly I was so curious. I didn’t want a whole beer. I just wanted to taste it.

The same thing happens whenever my husband opens a fancy bottle of wine, like the excellent Pinot from our vertical, where I’ve tasted year upon year of this grape from this vineyard, and it’s almost always a supreme treat. Or when my brother brings an off-the-beaten-track bourbon to the family weekend, excited to share because he knows exactly the kind of bourbon I like, complex, smooth, a little on the sweet side. Or when I find out that my favorite bar in Asbury Park has a new cocktail with blackberry & cucumber which sounds amazing, and my summer girlfriends are going out for a night on the town and want me to join. I just want a sip. 

But right now, that would be too much.

So I rein in my salivating self, and center on all the gains I’ve made over the last few months, all of the reinforcing benefits I see daily, and how certain substitutes make me feel equally as good without all the negative side effects. Tonight, yoga!


Gratitude Postscript

I fit in my 15-minute challenge workout this morning, second morning in a row, before the boys got up… and both days, I’ve had energy through the roof. I actually thought people at work might think I was on something, so I tried to tone it down. But honestly, I’m grateful for how I feel right now. Hopeful, energetic, confident. And I’m grateful for plans coming together for a couple future events with girlfriends, as well as a music festival in Cincinnati with my brother and SIL. Wahoo!!!